Today my dog Niuniu (妞妞) died. It's a day of mourning, so here I am. During times of grief I like to write. It helps me clear my head while remembering the subject of my sadness. I can't remember having ever before wept for the passing of a pet, despite having many in my life growing up. We had many cats when I was younger. Two in particular stand out, as they are the ones I spent the most time with: Spindrift and Serpentine. They had such characters, as I suspect all pets do when you spend enough time with them. Spindrift had an amazing propensity for shedding fur and dust on anything he touched. He utilized this power assiduously by sitting directly on whatever you were working on. For example he would always sit on top of my computer while I was using it or, impressively, _before_ I decided to use it. He had a knack for getting in your face and demanding petting. At the time I saw it as needy, and did not particularly like it. But of course in hindsight it was cute, and I regret not enjoying my time with that cat more. Serpentine was fiercely independent. She enjoyed petting and cuddling as much as the next cat, but seemed to have much more going on than the average feline. She would often be gone for most of the day only to reappear at night carrying a dead mouse. She went where she pleased when she pleased. I really liked her in part because of this sense that when she sought you out for petting she was taking time out of her otherwise busy schedule to do so. Why discuss these pets? Because while I like them I did not weep when they died. Both cats where still alive when I left the house for college. This meant that I grew distant from them emotionally and by the time they died I had seen little of them for years. Today, with the death of my dog, this is not the case. At long last I know what people feel when they grieve a pet. I admit, with a fair amount of shame, that I didn't "get it" when people would become emotional over their pets. I did not empathize. Well, now I do. --- What makes this so difficult? Many things, but here are a few: - What else could I have done? Was there some action I didn't perform that could have extended the dogs life? Did I make a mistake, fail to take action when there were signs of trouble? - Upon returning home, the house is full of dog toys and all the signs of our third companion. It was our child in all but species and we loved it dearly. Perhaps we spoiled it. Even if so we enjoyed it and the dog, as far as I can tell, really enjoyed it's life with us too. - The crushing sense of "never again." Lovely, cutes 妞妞 will never again stand on hind legs, one paw outstretched to balance on the table, looking hungrily at our dinner. Never again frollick in the park while we read or chat, enjoying the spring weather. Never again rush out of the bathroom triumphantly after pooping (she got a treat whenever she pooped in the bathroom). It's remembering moments like this that I feel the constriction of my chest most acutely. that odd feeling grief brings about. To the first point, what else could I have done? Perhaps many things, but two stand out to me: - Take Niuniu to _multiple_ doctors. - When we woke up this morning Niuniu had thrown up several times and was shivering. Very bad signs which we took to heart and immediately set out for the first open vets office we could find. - The vet inspected her and declared the issue to be an upset stomach, giving her a shot which (if I remember correctly) was meant to be a laxative. - The vet gave us a perscription for some medicine and sent us on our way. - Two hours later Niuniu had passed away. - Pay closer attention to signs of trouble. - When we got back from the vet, newly reassured Niuniu was not acting normal. She usually rushes back tot he appartment when we exit the elevator, always excited to return home. - She barely moved towards the door and seemed very, very tired. This behavior I have never seen before and I should have taken it to heart. - Once home she continued to barely move and sought out odd places to lie down. Odd because she rarely (if ever) would lie there, such as beneath my computer desk. - She seemed so tired but did not seem to want to sleep. She seemed both tired and restless, shifting spots frequently and shifting between sitting and laying positions in each spot. This, again, I had never seen before. - I attributed all this behavior to being sick. Clearly she was showing symptoms of something, but we did not know. We thought it was something that would pass. All this is not to engage in self-blame, but rather to see what I could have done differently. Perhaps none of it would have mattered, perhaps whatever the real issue was was too serious to intervene, but I do feel there's more I could have done. --- I loved this dog dearly and will miss her tremendously. Tears roll down my face as I write this but I'm thankful for the time had with this wonderful dog. The pain exists because we had such good times together, and I'm deeply thankful for those times. You were so loved 妞妞, and you will be missed.